DEAR RITA: Is there any good reason for not ridding the world of muggles and mudbloods? I've devised a wonderful spell to cause many catastrophic earthquakes, and would like to put it to good use. -- PUREBLOOD WIZARD
DEAR PLASTIC "PUREBLOOD" PLEB: You're quite obviously a halfblood wizard (probably with a pint-sized pecker) who's attempting to compensate for your great-great-great-great-great grandmother being a Muggle. Your identity issues run deeper than a Slytherin bloodline. Put down the wand and pick up a pint at the Hog's Head. If you're lucky, a striking
DEAR RITA:I am in love with a wizard in my office, but I'm certain he doesn't even know that I exist. What do you recommend I do to get his attention? Slip a love potion in his afternoon tea? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- HOPELESSLY IN LOVE
DEAR HOPELESSLY IN LOVE: I can only hope that this letter was written by a lovestruck schoolgirl intern, because no full grown adult should ever even consider love potions as a viable option for wooing. After you've outgrown your adolescent awkwardness, you're sort of expected to rely on other kinds of charms to enchant the opposite sex (or the same sex, I suppose, if that's what fluffs your flying carpet). If you've been so hopeless as to catch his attention up until now, then you really have to pull out all the stops in order to do so, but I suggest you do this by flaunting what you've already got rather than brewing up some liquid disaster. Or else you can simply resign yourself to your lonely destiny and get better acquainted with that vibrating wand extension you got at the X-rated shop on Knockturn Alley.